One of my first thoughts when I woke up this morning was that I’ve been actively dreaming about my father quite a bit. It comes as no surprise, having lost him unexpectedly this past October. The part that IS surprising is that I don’t often dream about people I know. Or when I do, I don’t always see their faces, I just know that it’s them in my dream. But Dad has been showing up for me lately, and perhaps that’s just a really good way for me to work through my grief. It’s been comforting to hear his voice.
The next thing I thought about was that I am no longer 56, that my actual birthday had come and gone in January and I was now 57. It would be the first of many milestones without my parents. As I approach the anniversary of my mother’s death, I make a mental decision not to accommodate the anniversaries of my parents’ deaths in my head going forward. I know when they both died, and my brain should be able to do the math of how many years it’s been endured. I refuse to let a date of death to be a marker that I wallow in grief.
Once I got past the delicate beginnings of my morning and sat down with a cup of coffee, I began to look at the birth of this new year. Most mornings I sit in solitude, drink my cup of joe, perhaps read a positive affirmation or two, play my daily Wordle, and watch the news. This particular morning, I decided to forgo most of that. Definitely not the coffee, because….well I think it’s unkind to derive ourselves of all pleasure in the world. But having gotten through the brutal Michigan January and moving into February, it just seemed like a good morning to think about the year coming and what lies ahead.
The big event of the year is my daughter is getting married in the Fall. While I wish more than anything that my father could be there to see it, I feel a sense of gratitude that hers will. There’s an undeniable feeling of a light and happy spirit, knowing that these kids are not only getting married, but venturing off on what I will for now call the big adventure. More on that another time. But it feels damn good to know that I’ve successfully raised a good person, who was fortunate enough to find another good person to share her life with in this world.
Speaking of good eggs, I was lucky enough to meet one a few days after my birthday this year. In all my years of dating, and believe me it’s been a long time, I’ve been repeatedly told by well-meaning friends that your person arrives when you’re not looking for them. I never stopped wanting to find my person these past 20 years, and I would say I was kind of actively looking, but in truth I think I had just resigned myself to enjoying someone’s company now and then. I had accepted that if I hadn’t found him after all this time, he must not exist. I marveled at the people around me that were happily married or otherwise entangled with their person and wondered how they had found someone that made them feel so safe and loved. I wondered how they had found someone they could trust with their heart. It feels like I met my person. And just like my friends said, he blindsided me. I wasn’t prepared for how full my heart could feel, nor was I prepared to learn it felt different than anything I had ever felt before.
So, I look hard at the birth of this new year. It is a year of new beginnings. A new life without my parents. A new life for my daughter that now blesses me with a wonderful son, too. And this new man who has captured my heart. I approach the year softly after the previous year of grief and sorrow and remember that there is still much to be thankful for. It is okay to put down the grief of last year and move forward with my new life. It is okay to remember them with love but walk forward to the happiness that lies ahead of me.
I declare 2024 a year of love.
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