This is a letter to my son, my first born.
Before I go on, I want to say to my daughter, should she be reading this one day, that this is nothing against her. I love that little girl with every fiber of my being, and her being in my life has made me a better person. I am more in love with her than she will ever, ever know.
But this isn’t about her. This is about my boy.
To my son, I ask for your forgiveness.
Last night, you fell asleep on the couch – and for the first time in a long time – I stared at you as you slept. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. You, my first born, have been my “practice kid” – the one I make the most mistakes with, the one that I am still learning with, and the one that is raising me as much as I am raising you.
Son, I am sorry if at times it seems as though I don’t know what I am doing. For the most part, I don’t.
I am sorry if I get angry at you for little things. I have to remember that you are only 5 and you are still developing.
I am sorry if I can’t be at some of your school’s functions. Mommy has to work to provide for the family, but it breaks my heart that I cannot be there everytime you need me.
I am sorry I travel occasionally for my job. Luckily you have an AMAZING father who doesn’t skip a beat. But I know there are times when daddy just won’t do. You miss your mommy’s hugs. (I miss yours, too when I am gone).
I am sorry that sometimes I have to put your sister’s needs before yours. She is younger & requires more attention. But please do not misinterpret my tending to her as loving her more. Not true.
I am sorry that I do not buy you whatever your heart desires. I want to – I do. But you have to learn what its like to earn your money & spend it wisely.
I am sorry I don’t let you eat things that are bad for you. I, too, would enjoy eating nothing but donuts and sugar all day, every day…..but it’s unhealthy, and you deserve better.
I am sorry if I seem to get annoyed with the things that you do, or I let my day effect my attitude. This, over anything else, is the thing that makes me not like myself. It’s not your fault I had a bad day. You make my day BETTER.
I am sorry for the mistakes I will make in the future.
I apologize, in advance, for crying everytime you “graduate” to another grade. It’s just a reminder that you are getting older and eventually won’t need me as much.
I apologize, in advance, for yelling at you a little too loud should you take up sports. I am very competitive, and I like to win. I don’t expect you to have that same fierce spirit in you; but I do hope you understand that I like to yell at the refs.
I apologize, in advance, for following you when you go out with your friends.
I apologize, in advance, for calling you all of the time when you are not with me.
I apologize, in advance, for sobbing uncontrollably at your high school graduation.
I apologize, in advance, for buying an apartment close to your college. (And YES – you WILL go to college. It’s not a choice. And I would be very happy if you went to Grand Valley State University please).
I apologize, in advance, for NOT sobbing uncontrollably at your college graduation. That day I will be beaming with pride. My boy.
I apologize, in advance, to your future spouse. I would hate having a mother-in-law like I am going to be.
Lastly, I apologize, in advance, for seeing you become a father but still thinking you are my baby.
“I will love you forever. I will like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” Son, seeing you grow up is such a joy and a blessing. I love you more than you will ever know. Please forgive the mistakes I have made & understand I am still growing up, too.