My Baby You’ll Be

This is a letter to my son, my first born.

Before I go on, I want to say to my daughter, should she be reading this one day, that this is nothing against her.  I love that little girl with every fiber of my being, and her being in my life has made me a better person.  I am more in love with her than she will ever, ever know.

But this isn’t about her.  This is about my boy.

To my son, I ask for your forgiveness.

Last night, you fell asleep on the couch – and for the first time in a long time – I stared at you as you slept.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.  You, my first born, have been my “practice kid” – the one I make the most mistakes with, the one that I am still learning with, and the one that is raising me as much as I am raising you.

Son, I am sorry if at times it seems as though I don’t know what I am doing.  For the most part, I don’t.

I am sorry if I get angry at you for little things.  I have to remember that you are only 5 and you are still developing.

I am sorry if I can’t be at some of your school’s functions.  Mommy has to work to provide for the family, but it breaks my heart that I cannot be there everytime you need me.

I am sorry I travel occasionally for my job.  Luckily you have an AMAZING father who doesn’t skip a beat.  But I know there are times when daddy just won’t do.  You miss your mommy’s hugs.  (I miss yours, too when I am gone).

I am sorry that sometimes I have to put your sister’s needs before yours.  She is younger & requires more attention.  But please do not misinterpret my tending to her as loving her more.  Not true.

I am sorry that I do not buy you whatever your heart desires.  I want to – I do.  But you have to learn what its like to earn your money & spend it wisely.

I am sorry I don’t let you eat things that are bad for you.  I, too, would enjoy eating nothing but donuts and sugar all day, every day…..but it’s unhealthy, and you deserve better.

I am sorry if I seem to get annoyed with the things that you do, or I let my day effect my attitude.  This, over anything else, is the thing that makes me not like myself.  It’s not your fault I had a bad day.  You make my day BETTER.

I am sorry for the mistakes I will make in the future.

I apologize, in advance, for crying everytime you “graduate” to another grade.  It’s just a reminder that you are getting older and eventually won’t need me as much.

I apologize, in advance, for yelling at you a little too loud should you take up sports.  I am very competitive, and I like to win.  I don’t expect you to have that same fierce spirit in you; but I do hope you understand that I like to yell at the refs.

I apologize, in advance, for following you when you go out with your friends.

I apologize, in advance, for calling you all of the time when you are not with me.

I apologize, in advance, for sobbing uncontrollably at your high school graduation.

I apologize, in advance, for buying an apartment close to your college.  (And YES – you WILL go to college.  It’s not a choice.  And I would be very happy if you went to Grand Valley State University please).

I apologize, in advance, for NOT sobbing uncontrollably at your college graduation.  That day I will be beaming with pride.  My boy.

I apologize, in advance, to your future spouse.  I would hate having a mother-in-law like I am going to be. 

Lastly, I apologize, in advance, for seeing you become a father but still thinking you are my baby.

“I will love you forever.  I will like you for always.  As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”  Son, seeing you grow up is such a joy and a blessing.  I love you more than you will ever know.  Please forgive the mistakes I have made & understand I am still growing up, too.